My life is a seemingly tiring process of getting tired. yup, true. it’s being here yet not wanting to be anywhere. The train i was into last night was quite spacious…unlike the previous ones i was in which the people did not seem to see how big I was and so they kept on pushing me until there was no pole for me to hold on to. Perhaps, those I used to be with in the train got tired of the routine and decided to take the jeepney or the cab instead. I hate the world today. Maybe it’s this depression that’s getting into me again. It’s like waking up only to realize that everybody goes on with his life except me. The same set of people I used to be with suddenly have another set of people they would want to be with. I’m not yet out of the picture, of course. but I feel like the space for a photo is just enough for two…and so, I have to give way. The set of clothes I always want to wear look so overused that I just want to keep them in my closet and lock them up. Even the music I’d die for just to listen to don’t have the same effect anymore; its lyrics sound just like the usual nursery rhymes my two year old niece keeps on playing. But then again, after writing this, I’ll realize that I still have piles of things to do and writing just gets the number of minutes for my law books. A tear will fall, sure. but i have to brush it aside and say, “hey world! is that all you can do?” and so, I will continue to smile that fake smile and shrug my little stiff shoulders like I always do. play that usual role I play in peoples’ lives and pretend that I am ok. after all, nobody will bother to hear the words i don’t say nor count the tears that will fall. At the end of the day, i only have my pillows to embrace and i’ll tell myself the following morning that, “i am trying to love you world, believe me when I say I am trying to.”
Some time between June - October 2007
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